Rant ;)

There are things I'd love to say to people, but for the sake of peace, I don't.  Yes, I left my hometown...yes, my boys are still there...yes, my mom is there...as is the rest of the family.  BUT..... my boys are adults who are living on their own, my mom is doing ok since her stroke and as for my brothers...well, they never had much time for me anyway.  My life long friends don't contact me....a quick text here and there...but thats it.  But to be truthful, that's nothing new.  I'm not saying they don't care..its more of the out of sight, out of mind. But, once again, I am the bad guy.  That, too, is nothing new.

Here's what I don't understand.  I'm happy.  There...I said it.  For the first time, in a very long time, I am happy.  People back home don't know all the details of my life....which I have no trouble sharing, if they would actually want to know them.  But, I am happy...and for some odd reason that seems to be a problem. I have spent the majority of my life doing things for others....and I loved it.  I spent every waking moment with my kids when they were little.....their dad either worked and/or didn't give a crap about them.  I came back home with the kids and kept an eye on my mom.  My brother can't be bothered.  Even after my divorce, I did everything with the kids.  I had to let my kids live with an abusive sex offender even if they didn't want to be with him...but none of us had any choice.  And...through all that.....I am the bad guy.  I am a horrible person for wanting to live my own life.  One son just wants money, the other is pretty much ok with me, but doesn't talk to me too much.  To be fair, I don't want to bother anyone if they don't want to hear from me....which I should just get over, I know.

My birthday was 3 days ago....thank the Lord my kids remembered.  I at least got a happy birthday from the 3 of them.  My daughter is just fine with me and we talk.  She moved out before I left, so she's not an issue.  But, I didn't hear from my mom or my brother.  Now, that hurts.  I can deal with a FB post from him or a phone message from mom if she called when I was working.  Unless, of course...there is a card in my mailbox right now, but I'm not holding my breath.

So, the bottom line is this.......I am happy.  I have friends here who like me for me and not what I can do for them.  My dog likes me....I think...lol and I've got someone who loves me and takes care of me.  What else do I need?

Grrr.....

Have a few frustrations going on right now.  One is the one surrounding my mom.  Long story short....  she's fine, but my brother seems to want to put her away.  Right now, there is no need for that.  She's ok on her own, but he's taken her debit card, credit cards and all her keys....including car and home.  Basically she's stuck at home, but B can still take her places like appts.  I told him to take her to the bank and have her take out some money so she has some on her.  Will make her feel better.  I know that I'm 8 hours away but I can still help from here.

My other frustration is work.  I like my job just fine and working in the restaurant is going well, but......  the owners and management drive me nuts.  I'm "technically" on the management team and don't feel like it.  I"m feeling like a key holder.  My 20+ years of restaurant experience versus my managers 1 doesn't seem to make a damn bit of difference.  I'm not a pushy person and I'm not pushing ideas on him at all and he does listen but then does what he wants.  I'm honestly surprised that the business has lasted the 14 years the owners have had it.  It's just ridiculous.

Other than that....things are going well.  Even with all that crap going on, I'm happy where I am finally.  There are very few places that make me feel like I'm home, and this is one of them.  I miss having my kids around but they are adults and doing well in their lives.  I'm very proud of all of them and love them very much.

;)

You can't go home again..... or can you...?

My RL life got a bit of a shock last week.  My mom had a small stroke.  Now, honestly, she's had small ones that didn't affect her much, most of her life.  I don't think anyone has realized that, even her, but its true.  This one had more of an immediate affect, but no long term effects.  Thank God for that.  Now, you have to keep in mind that the woman is 79 years old, but you'd never know it.  She lives alone, still works full time and is very active.  She has slowed down over the course of the years, but that's normal.

So, to make sure she was ok, I left a few days ago to visit.  As my previous post states, I moved away.  8 hours away to be exact, but for me, that's not a big deal.  For my family and friends......its a HUGE deal.  Such a big deal that I was informed that I should not expect a warm reception when I came home.  To be fair, I realize that but didn't think it was necessarily true for everyone and I was right.  My mom was a bit reserved but overall was happy to see me.  My friends were happy and my boys even were cool with it.  I was only there for a full day, but I saw most of who I wanted to.  My brother is the only one I didn't see, and he's the one who informed me of the cool reception remark.  But, he never greets me warmly, so I wasn't shocked that he said that.  So, I avoided him....*smiles*

But, what surprised me most, was my feelings on the matter.  I didn't want to stay there.  I was highly disappointed in a few things and that colored everything for me.  I didn't like the feeling but it was there.  I missed my new home....very much and that was a shock since I never miss anything that much.  I missed the new person in my life and that was kinda scary.  Again, it was the intensity of it that was shocking.  No one there understands me and that's fine.  I agree that I'm kinda hard to understand at times. But I'm not that close mouthed.  *shrugs*  Oh well.....stuff happens....

So, my mom will be ok.  My brother will have to be reigned in on some things he wants to do with her, but thats normal.  I'm here, they are there....and that's how its gonna be.  But, don't count me out yet.....