Rant ;)

There are things I'd love to say to people, but for the sake of peace, I don't.  Yes, I left my hometown...yes, my boys are still there...yes, my mom is there...as is the rest of the family.  BUT..... my boys are adults who are living on their own, my mom is doing ok since her stroke and as for my brothers...well, they never had much time for me anyway.  My life long friends don't contact me....a quick text here and there...but thats it.  But to be truthful, that's nothing new.  I'm not saying they don't care..its more of the out of sight, out of mind. But, once again, I am the bad guy.  That, too, is nothing new.

Here's what I don't understand.  I'm happy.  There...I said it.  For the first time, in a very long time, I am happy.  People back home don't know all the details of my life....which I have no trouble sharing, if they would actually want to know them.  But, I am happy...and for some odd reason that seems to be a problem. I have spent the majority of my life doing things for others....and I loved it.  I spent every waking moment with my kids when they were little.....their dad either worked and/or didn't give a crap about them.  I came back home with the kids and kept an eye on my mom.  My brother can't be bothered.  Even after my divorce, I did everything with the kids.  I had to let my kids live with an abusive sex offender even if they didn't want to be with him...but none of us had any choice.  And...through all that.....I am the bad guy.  I am a horrible person for wanting to live my own life.  One son just wants money, the other is pretty much ok with me, but doesn't talk to me too much.  To be fair, I don't want to bother anyone if they don't want to hear from me....which I should just get over, I know.

My birthday was 3 days ago....thank the Lord my kids remembered.  I at least got a happy birthday from the 3 of them.  My daughter is just fine with me and we talk.  She moved out before I left, so she's not an issue.  But, I didn't hear from my mom or my brother.  Now, that hurts.  I can deal with a FB post from him or a phone message from mom if she called when I was working.  Unless, of course...there is a card in my mailbox right now, but I'm not holding my breath.

So, the bottom line is this.......I am happy.  I have friends here who like me for me and not what I can do for them.  My dog likes me....I think...lol and I've got someone who loves me and takes care of me.  What else do I need?

Grrr.....

Have a few frustrations going on right now.  One is the one surrounding my mom.  Long story short....  she's fine, but my brother seems to want to put her away.  Right now, there is no need for that.  She's ok on her own, but he's taken her debit card, credit cards and all her keys....including car and home.  Basically she's stuck at home, but B can still take her places like appts.  I told him to take her to the bank and have her take out some money so she has some on her.  Will make her feel better.  I know that I'm 8 hours away but I can still help from here.

My other frustration is work.  I like my job just fine and working in the restaurant is going well, but......  the owners and management drive me nuts.  I'm "technically" on the management team and don't feel like it.  I"m feeling like a key holder.  My 20+ years of restaurant experience versus my managers 1 doesn't seem to make a damn bit of difference.  I'm not a pushy person and I'm not pushing ideas on him at all and he does listen but then does what he wants.  I'm honestly surprised that the business has lasted the 14 years the owners have had it.  It's just ridiculous.

Other than that....things are going well.  Even with all that crap going on, I'm happy where I am finally.  There are very few places that make me feel like I'm home, and this is one of them.  I miss having my kids around but they are adults and doing well in their lives.  I'm very proud of all of them and love them very much.

;)

You can't go home again..... or can you...?

My RL life got a bit of a shock last week.  My mom had a small stroke.  Now, honestly, she's had small ones that didn't affect her much, most of her life.  I don't think anyone has realized that, even her, but its true.  This one had more of an immediate affect, but no long term effects.  Thank God for that.  Now, you have to keep in mind that the woman is 79 years old, but you'd never know it.  She lives alone, still works full time and is very active.  She has slowed down over the course of the years, but that's normal.

So, to make sure she was ok, I left a few days ago to visit.  As my previous post states, I moved away.  8 hours away to be exact, but for me, that's not a big deal.  For my family and friends......its a HUGE deal.  Such a big deal that I was informed that I should not expect a warm reception when I came home.  To be fair, I realize that but didn't think it was necessarily true for everyone and I was right.  My mom was a bit reserved but overall was happy to see me.  My friends were happy and my boys even were cool with it.  I was only there for a full day, but I saw most of who I wanted to.  My brother is the only one I didn't see, and he's the one who informed me of the cool reception remark.  But, he never greets me warmly, so I wasn't shocked that he said that.  So, I avoided him....*smiles*

But, what surprised me most, was my feelings on the matter.  I didn't want to stay there.  I was highly disappointed in a few things and that colored everything for me.  I didn't like the feeling but it was there.  I missed my new home....very much and that was a shock since I never miss anything that much.  I missed the new person in my life and that was kinda scary.  Again, it was the intensity of it that was shocking.  No one there understands me and that's fine.  I agree that I'm kinda hard to understand at times. But I'm not that close mouthed.  *shrugs*  Oh well.....stuff happens....

So, my mom will be ok.  My brother will have to be reigned in on some things he wants to do with her, but thats normal.  I'm here, they are there....and that's how its gonna be.  But, don't count me out yet.....

Be Still

This morning, while perusing Facebook, I came across a give a way from Kristen at We Are THAT Family.  She's giving away a trio of canvases from Show Offs Arts, saying Faith, Hope and Love.  So, I decided to enter and looked around the site.  Great art work, but my favorite is the Mugs Canvas.  It has two of my favorite things.....coffee and my favorite bible verse, "Be Still and know that I am God.".

That verse seems to always appear just when I need to see it.  I'm going to assume that I could use a reminder today....  :)  I'm getting my "new" life together here, I am happy and even though, I'm sure, many won't see it that way.  I know that most of my family and friends won't see this, not many are internet users other than email and the occasional FB and shopping...   but I love and miss them all very much and hope they will understand at some point.  Location doesn't mean a thing when you are close in heart, and I hope they see that.

I'm working three afternoons/evenings this week to learn the supervisory end of those shifts.  Nothing I haven't done before.  I find that most places have the same exact people...from PA to OR or MD to MI... people are the same everywhere.  Some will be ok with the fact that I'm a new supervisor (I do have my allies) and there will be some that won't like it.  That's fine....time to make my mark here.

Musings.........as usual

I will say that it has been an interesting 2 weeks.  Leaving a job and company I loved, moving away from friends and family...enlightening to say the least.  But, I will say, that I don't regret a thing.  I've been pretty quiet on all fronts as far as FB and emails to people go.  I'm not sure what to say and not really wanting to say a thing to anyone.  But, again, what else is new?  I'm quiet and that really unnerves people.  I don't say a whole lot but I do think that if you know me at all, you can tell or know what I'm thinking.  I'm not as hard to figure out as some may think.

Tomorrow I start a new job.  Kind of at the bottom, but promotion is in the works in the next 4 weeks.  I'm going back to what I know best, restaurant work.  I love working in a bank and would have welcomed that just as much, but restaurants are what contacted me and the owner seemed impressed by my resume.  I can only hope I live up to it.  For the record, its a Tim Horton's franchise and I'm pretty excited to work there.  Forget the coffee angle, it seems like a decent place and the owner seems pretty cool.

I've spent the last 2 weeks as a sort of SAHM...*smiles*  I've got my pup Belle with me and spending the days cleaning up, doing laundry, cooking etc...  I'm gonna be honest and say I did miss it a bit, but I need to work.  Mainly the money angle, but I also need to feel useful.  As far as doing anything else, I feel pretty useless and like a failure, but that's my own issue.

As my new profile status thing says........I am embarking on a new adventure.  I will be leaving my current state of residence and moving 2 states over to the north.  Its a big change and a big decision to make but I have a good feeling about it.  The worst part is leaving my friends and family, but its not like I"m leaving forever.  I'm still accessible... *smiles*